I feel a change in the weather...or something...

There is something in the air for me this year – I don’t know what it is but I feel like something has shifted and, whatever it is, it has had the effect of finally pushing me into making the changes I’ve needed to make for a long time. I feel like whatever I decide to do, I’ll actually do this time rather than just thinking I should – you know?

I know the blog doesn’t actually bear evidence of this in as far as the writing goes but, over the last several months, I’ve been considerably more consistent in sitting down and writing on a regular basis than I have since college. I was looking back through my journal and the stack of pages I’ve produced over the past year and sort of marveling at the volume of words there. This is not to say I’ve managed to focus on any one thing long enough to produce much of any coherence, it’s to say I’ve produced all kinds of bits and pieces here and there and everywhere – they’re not necessarily related items but many of them are and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m kind of proud of myself over it all…it’s not a terribly familiar feeling so I figure it deserves mention.

Coupled with this is the giving up meat and sticking to that at long last – that and telling other people about it and actually sticking to it in the face of their - discomfort (which isn’t quite the right word but it’s all I can think of…). This only makes sense when you stop to consider that I’ve spent a great deal of energy in my life, trying to not make personal decisions that make waves for people around me…hmmm. The low-profile lifestyle, if you will. If someone would have asked me if I really believed I do this, I’d have shrugged and given them my ‘who knows, but neither of us should count on it’ look and left it hang…instead, I’ve made a real change in my habits and I’m not fighting it…which is really nice. It's a new thing to push myself in new directions and not have to fight myself for every inch. I keep sort of waiting for the door to slam or something...

Finally – I’m quitting my job – this is so huge for me…and not much like me, come to think of it. I’m usually so careful, so cautious of these kinds of things…well, actually – just lazy and scared for the most part but – there it is…I feel something shifting and, even though it scares me…I think I’m actually more excited and hopeful than anything…again, not a usual reaction for me so I’ll probably be wallowing in it for a while – just a heads up. It's a strange thing to feel like the same person only in real life instead of just in my head...not sure that actually makes any sense but that's what it is. My life, my self finally seem to be making moves toward looking like I imagine they might.