Let's try growing up rather than out for awhile...

Almost forgot to pay my rent today…not sure what, exactly would happen if I didn’t drop the check in the box today but I’m not in any way eager to find out. I’m feeling a bit squitchy about it not hitting that box until today as it is…and I did it on purpose…money really sucks…or lack of money really sucks but I’d just as soon blame the whole idea of money the way I’m feeling about it at the moment. I still have this dread of giving some one a reason to do bad things to me…like every bad thing that has ever happened to me can in some way be traced back to something I did or didn’t do that I shouldn’t or should have done…or something. Sounds stupid when I put it that way but it still strikes me as at least somewhat true to my feelings on it. What a load of crap really! I couldn’t possibly believe in my heart-of-hearts that I bear that much responsibility for all the ills in my life, such as they’ve been…that’s just…silly or…megalomaniacal…maybe tomorrow this won’t seem like so much of a possibility.

I’ve spent the afternoon looking at real estate listings online again…I really, really feel like it’s time to buy myself a home. The paying rent thing is just getting old…and I’m getting to the point in my life (OMG 30!) where living paycheck to paycheck and owning nothing of any real value is beginning to not only be, but also to feel…counterproductive…and stupid. I think it probably also has something to do with my general impression that continuing to wait for my life to start is an exercise in self-punishment or delusion…or an attempt to escape from the realities of everyday life. Or maybe I've just been lazy.

What I’ve found most exciting about all this is that, I can really imagine owning my own home and there are places out there that I can afford without having to draw the strings in too terribly tight. I haven’t gone to see any of these affordable places yet (yikes! They could be awful! What do I do then??)…mostly because I don’t want to buy anything, or look at anything until I spend some time educating myself as much as possible getting a clearer picture of what is actually reasonable/possible. As I look, I’m building a list of the things I think I’ll have to insist on and realizing that there are a lot more in that category than there are things in the wiggle room file. I mean, this is a big frakking deal, no kidding, but for the first time in my life it doesn’t seem like an insurmountable thing. The idea itself feels possible and that’s surprisingly refreshing.