Wind in the trees

The trees are talking today. When I was little I used to lay on the grass and listen to the wind in the trees. I was sure they were talking to each other and I'd try to understand what they were saying. When, inevitably, it became apparent they wouldn't share their secrets with me, my imagination filled the gap. I'd dream up conversation after conversation... I have long since stopped trying to fill in the gap but I still listen to trees on days like this and it makes me happy to hear them. It makes me feel both smaller and infinitely larger all in one bundle.

Weather and other pointless conversations

I love days like this. Grey and wet and chilly...I don't know why - probably because we get so much sun here that the difference is refreshing. At any rate, puts me in a good mood which has become a rare thing lately. I'm sure it has something to do w/work and something to do w/the time of year. Open enrollment and the anniversary of my father's death are a combination I just don't seem able to rise above. Fortunately, I'm past it for another year and I seem to have gotten through it this year w/o actually gaining any weight for once! Yea me. Not for lack of trying though, I must admit.

There is something odd about posting my thoughts in a format that others have access to. I feel myself both trying to edit what I say and refusing to consider anything too closely. One of my most long-standing rules about writing is that I have to write as though no one will ever read what I've written. I know, I know - this goes against the whole 'consider your audience' rule we all learned in comp. class but I write like crap when I think some one else might read it some day. When I consider how much I've written for others to read I cringe.

Let's try this out...

Who are the 'bees of the invisible?' It's from a quote from Ranier Maria Rilke talking about why we (humans) exist, what our purpose on this planet in this time could be.

So, I've finally given in to certain family and friends who keep pestering me to do something towards making better choices for myself and begun this blog. How this will ultimately help me, I cannot say but, how can it hurt? My life so far isn't so inspiring and really, how many people can claim anything different? Doesn't matter - what others have or have not done with their lives isn't an excuse for mine. At any rate, supposing that makes any sense, it is my goal to live a life I can be more pleased with rather than less. Right now, I'm not sure what that means exactly. Maybe that's my problem? My imagination does not extend to dreaming up a life in which I can't see myself getting bored. Everything requires too much, asks for more than I really see myself giving...could end w/me getting hurt or losing or finding out I'm really just not all that interesting/capable/intelligent. Everything I fear tied up w/everything I want...hmmm, why is it better to continue as I am? As Shakespeare pointed out, at least this is the hell I know.