Life as I live it

9 times out of 10, when I turn on my computer it’s with the intention to sit down and write. 9 times out of 10, I end up doing anything but. Email, Spider Solitaire, job searching…tonight (this morning?) I’ve sat here long enough since I turned it on for the urge to write to go away and now come back again. It’s close to 4:30 in the morning and I’m here at my desk, where I’ve been for the past several hours. My ass hurts from sitting on this damn wooden chair for so long, my eyes have stopped burning, my hand has gone numb from too much mousing at the wrong angle and now my fingers are feeling good tapping away at the keyboard as quickly as they possibly can. I can’t explain the sense of…rightness…I feel at the moment. It’s been a mostly gloomy day for me so far – all alone, all the time gets to wear a bit after awhile. I actually spoke to two separate friends today which is unusual for a weekday. The weather was beautiful – Spring is definitely in though I’m not sure I’m ready to believe it quite yet…I've barely gotten used to Winter and it’s already passed!

I am waiting impatiently for the last 2 discs from the 3rd season of La Femme Nikita – won’t have a chance at getting them before Friday so I must sit on my hands or something to keep from rushing off to the video store to get them NOW! I am also irritated that the 4th and 5th seasons are not yet available on DVD. Have I mentioned before that I think television is best on DVD? No commercials, no long waits between each episode. Story arcs are easier and more satisfying to follow when you can watch an entire season in a matter of days…and you can go back and watch the best parts over again however many times you please. Yes, DVD TV is, by far, the best way to get your television entertainment…and that will be the end of my commercial for life as I live it…

The weight of the days keeps piling up on me. I was laying in bed imagining that I have nothing in particular as far as social activity to look forward to before…well, before next week at least and I started to think it might be better just to sleep as much as possible between now and then…sigh…I mean, I could read or watch movies or even (gasp!) write to fill the time…exercise might be a better choice but much of that has lost it’s appeal with all the practice I’ve had at it lately and I’ve never enjoyed exercise. I guess that leaves writing, eh? Somehow, when I have all the time in the world, it’s just easier to waste it. I heard a quote on PBS last night which I think was in reference to an artist’s feeling as he’s practicing his art. It goes like this: “The moments when we escape the tyranny of time and we become immortal...” Maybe he was talking about what he feels while he’s painting or maybe he was talking about what he paints – I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention but the quote caught me so I wrote it down. On an entirely different program (also on PBS), the presenter was talking about aging and about how that’s the natural course of the universe – everything from cells to stars is always aging – immortality is a subversion of the natural order…stars age and die, why shouldn’t we? This has never actually occurred to me before – call me unimaginative. I mean, I’ve certainly thought about the death of stars and of people but not ever within the same context...or, if I did, it didn’t make any lasting impressions. I don’t know why, but these two things seem to connect in my head – the idea of escaping time and becoming immortal and that, in the reality in which we live, physical immortality has no place…seems interesting, seems as if there should be more to say on the idea. We are ever striving for immortality of one sort or another and I have to wonder why? Does it ultimately matter? I suspect not… so, I’ve recently had an idea for a story…the main character’s name is Summer Rose...and she’s dead but that’s not really the point. We’ll see if my imagination will make anything of it but I’ve had a grand time thinking about it for the past week or so. I’m stuck on things bigger than the details though so it could be awhile…immortality and death…the immutability of change…the ‘great wheel…’ these sorts of ideas have been wandering through my mind leaving footprints in the oddest places.

Cat food...among other considerations

I called my mother today and, after we hung up, I realized we’d spent the greater portion of the conversation talking about cat food. My life must be in a bad space when all I can think of to talk about is cat food – I mean, how much can really be said on the subject??

As an example: Last few days have been uneventful – went for a walk at the off-leash dog park with my friend and her dog on Sunday. I really think that’s the best thing people can do for their dogs – take them somewhere they’ll have the room to run around free and play with other dogs as much as they like. It seems wrong to keep them either cooped up at home or attached to a leash all the time. I ended up with mud all over my pants and feet that hurt like hell...saw some horses too. I guess I’m just not used to being on my feet for 2 hours straight. I came home, washed my face and went to bed – this was roughly 5:00 pm. I slept through ‘til almost noon the next day. I guess we could say I’ve been a bit soft on the whole physical activity front…sigh. So Monday was pretty much a complete wash – I was still recovering from my adventure at the dog park…an adventure I have agreed to continue ad infinitum, by the way so – somebody pray for me.

And another: Today – or, rather, I guess it was yesterday now though I still haven’t been to bed…hmmm…does it still count as the next day if there’s been no sleep to separate the days?…doesn’t actually matter – today, as I said, I talked to my mother which was nice (even with the 10 minute conversation about cat food)…I also managed to fall over on my way up the stairs to my apartment and scrape the shit out of my knuckles…this after finally convincing myself to clean out the refrigerator, clean the cat boxes and take out the trash. I’ve lived here for a year and a half and this is the first time I’ve managed to actually injure myself on the stairs…hmmm…not bad really, eh? One self-inflicted injury every 18 months doesn’t sound like I should be all that concerned after all…that’s a relief. Also met one of my neighbors whose name I couldn’t remember the moment after he offered it…fair, I guess as he assumed I must be new to the building and was quite shocked when I informed him otherwise. It’s comforting to know I have something in common with my neighbors, even if it is that oh-so-difficult-to-pin-down quality of forgetableness.

So: This is my life, I realize…and I have to wonder – would it really be any more interesting if it included a job? I mean, really? What difference does it make to say I applied to 5 different positions today, none of which I’m particularly enthusiastic about interviewing for, much less getting, much less doing? I mean, aside from the whole money thing – would having a job give me anything more interesting to talk about, to think about even? Somehow, I think not…and then I have to remind myself of the whole money issue and then I’m back to really resenting the idea that I’m ultimately a slave to the choices I make and preferences I hold involving financial independence and entertainment options…that and I like to eat…oh, and the cat food.