Freedom is feeling a bit like a corner today...

I’ve been free for about 6 days now and I think it’s still sinking in. I’ve mostly spent my time reading, sleeping and watching movies…it’s been lovely. I had a thought yesterday about where my life could be headed and I feel as though I’ve backed myself into a corner – which is the only place I’ve ever managed to take a new step from so I guess I’m doing the right thing. Still feels like a corner with all its negative connotations though and I’m working on that. I go back and forth between being really, really happy and being really, really freaked out and vaguely resentful at the position I’ve created for myself here. I’m looking out of this corning thinking – which direction makes the most sense? Which way is the closest to where I want to be? Which next step is the ‘right’ step? I’m thinking about the library, actively wanting to work there and wondering whether they’d be willing to hire some one who hasn’t had a library card in over 5 years…I love the library – I do, it’s just that I tend to like to own the books I read. So I don't have the best leg to stand on when it comes to the whole library philosophy...though I do think it's an extremely important resource to have available to people - just 'cause I don't take advantage of that doesn't mean I can't believe that, right? So, I don’t like having to give the books back when I’m done with them - that's not a problem is it? I don’t know where it came from but there it is. For some reason, having books in my home makes me feel better. I still get a feeling of contentment every time I look at my shelves full of books – overflowing at this point. It’s time for some cleaning…or a new bookshelf. I’m leaning towards the bookshelf. I keep thinking of all these things I want to buy and then reminding myself that now is not the time. I don’t have any income so buying things I don’t actually need is more of a luxury I can’t afford than anything useful. If the library thing works out – I’ll have a part time job and need of another to keep the bills covered. If it doesn’t…well, I’ll still need something to keep the bills covered. I’m imagining walking in to these places, asking if they’re hiring and having to stand there and be evaluated and remembering that I really hate that process…not so much because the actions themselves are difficult but because I hate having to ask for things…anything really. Again, I don’t know where that comes from but there it is. Stopped for a smoke break with Nikki today…felt strange to be there, but okay because it was just a smoke break. While I was there it seemed like every smoker in the office came down and, while it was nice to see them, it hasn’t been long enough for me to have actually missed anyone so – well, it was strange. They all agreed that unemployment seems to go well with me – I look so much more relaxed…etc…N asked me if I wanted to come up and I really didn’t – I don’t have any interest in seeing the place again so soon, or maybe ever. It was enough that I was down at the docks smoking again. I think I’ll go in to get my check on Friday and that’ll be it…so, I’m thinking it’s time to stop talking about LMC and what I’ve done and start focusing on where I’m going…this corner is not too tight yet but its already shrinking at will be downright uncomfortable shortly, I have no doubt. Right now, I want to work at the library and maybe get a gig waiting tables somewhere…let’s see if that’s a plan of action that works out before I start thinking about buying buildings and having them remodeled, eh?