Life as I live it

9 times out of 10, when I turn on my computer it’s with the intention to sit down and write. 9 times out of 10, I end up doing anything but. Email, Spider Solitaire, job searching…tonight (this morning?) I’ve sat here long enough since I turned it on for the urge to write to go away and now come back again. It’s close to 4:30 in the morning and I’m here at my desk, where I’ve been for the past several hours. My ass hurts from sitting on this damn wooden chair for so long, my eyes have stopped burning, my hand has gone numb from too much mousing at the wrong angle and now my fingers are feeling good tapping away at the keyboard as quickly as they possibly can. I can’t explain the sense of…rightness…I feel at the moment. It’s been a mostly gloomy day for me so far – all alone, all the time gets to wear a bit after awhile. I actually spoke to two separate friends today which is unusual for a weekday. The weather was beautiful – Spring is definitely in though I’m not sure I’m ready to believe it quite yet…I've barely gotten used to Winter and it’s already passed!

I am waiting impatiently for the last 2 discs from the 3rd season of La Femme Nikita – won’t have a chance at getting them before Friday so I must sit on my hands or something to keep from rushing off to the video store to get them NOW! I am also irritated that the 4th and 5th seasons are not yet available on DVD. Have I mentioned before that I think television is best on DVD? No commercials, no long waits between each episode. Story arcs are easier and more satisfying to follow when you can watch an entire season in a matter of days…and you can go back and watch the best parts over again however many times you please. Yes, DVD TV is, by far, the best way to get your television entertainment…and that will be the end of my commercial for life as I live it…

The weight of the days keeps piling up on me. I was laying in bed imagining that I have nothing in particular as far as social activity to look forward to before…well, before next week at least and I started to think it might be better just to sleep as much as possible between now and then…sigh…I mean, I could read or watch movies or even (gasp!) write to fill the time…exercise might be a better choice but much of that has lost it’s appeal with all the practice I’ve had at it lately and I’ve never enjoyed exercise. I guess that leaves writing, eh? Somehow, when I have all the time in the world, it’s just easier to waste it. I heard a quote on PBS last night which I think was in reference to an artist’s feeling as he’s practicing his art. It goes like this: “The moments when we escape the tyranny of time and we become immortal...” Maybe he was talking about what he feels while he’s painting or maybe he was talking about what he paints – I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention but the quote caught me so I wrote it down. On an entirely different program (also on PBS), the presenter was talking about aging and about how that’s the natural course of the universe – everything from cells to stars is always aging – immortality is a subversion of the natural order…stars age and die, why shouldn’t we? This has never actually occurred to me before – call me unimaginative. I mean, I’ve certainly thought about the death of stars and of people but not ever within the same context...or, if I did, it didn’t make any lasting impressions. I don’t know why, but these two things seem to connect in my head – the idea of escaping time and becoming immortal and that, in the reality in which we live, physical immortality has no place…seems interesting, seems as if there should be more to say on the idea. We are ever striving for immortality of one sort or another and I have to wonder why? Does it ultimately matter? I suspect not… so, I’ve recently had an idea for a story…the main character’s name is Summer Rose...and she’s dead but that’s not really the point. We’ll see if my imagination will make anything of it but I’ve had a grand time thinking about it for the past week or so. I’m stuck on things bigger than the details though so it could be awhile…immortality and death…the immutability of change…the ‘great wheel…’ these sorts of ideas have been wandering through my mind leaving footprints in the oddest places.