God! Is it really the end of March already???

Nothing new here - I've actually spent some time over the past couple days both writing and making myself exercise so I'm feeling better in general...far more energy even though I’ve been expending more – how does that work? Okay, this has only lasted for the past couple days but I’ve renewed the commitment to push myself to make the choices that lead toward where I want to be rather than the ones that keep me walking the same circles over and over again. I realize it’s nothing new to say but each day has to be its own challenge, I’m trying to remember this and act accordingly…how long does it take to create a new habit? Please think good thoughts for me.

As for work...nothing yet - I'm afraid I've gotten myself into a box where the only exit I see that I'm interested in taking is working at the library. Nothing new in that but I guess it might be wiser to develop some sort of contingency plan, eh? I think I'm getting tired of all this time off, if that's actually possible-it’s weird but the past week or so of days has just flown by – like right now, I can hardly believe it’s already 2:47 am – didn’t I just get up? Maybe I have issues I haven't previously considered with the tendency to fall into unhealthy patterns...actually, I think I may have spent too much time considering these things…anyway...how does the saying go?...the wind from one door closing opens a window?...well, I’ve slammed the door behind me and am now looking for the open window. I have to admit at this precise moment I’m having difficulty actually feeling the optimism in that old cliché...maybe the curtains are getting in the way…still, well, I have to trust that I will end up where I’m supposed to be…I just...no…I will trust that there is better in store than what has already been and try to stick to my part…

What's the truer tragedy?

I just watched a documentary on Oakley Hall III who was apparently a great rising star in the theater world as a playwright and artistic director. I think this must have been in the 60’s or 70’s. I didn’t catch the exact timing of it. He was in a car accident that left him brain damaged and no longer the great creative force and mind that so many people admired and followed. What struck me most is the reaction of pretty much everyone he’s encountered since. Whether they knew him before the accident or not, they uniformly mourn the loss of who he was which, I suppose, makes sense, but what an awful thing for him to have to live with. Not only does he have to reconcile the loss for himself – to build a new identity, a new sense of purpose, but he is constantly faced with the disappointment and sorrow of everyone he encounters – even people who never knew him as that other person. Even in love, they mourn the person he no longer is, no longer can be. I wonder how much of it he sees and understands for what it is and I wonder how much their sense of loss in his presence affects him. I think that’s more tragic than the accident itself. One thinks it might have been kinder if the universe had let him die. The constant mourning of a man who, effectively, did die over 20 years ago. I’ve been left with a need to shake people for their selfishness – for seeming to care more for their loss than for the man he now is. How can the loss of what he might have been be more important than who he is now and might still become? The inescapable fact is that ‘what might have been’, wasn’t and, I suspect he was only ever meant to be that shining light for as long as he was. He himself said something along the lines of he thinks he burned too brightly before the accident, that maybe it’s better to burn more softly. I think my sympathy lies so strongly with him now because the show focused so relentlessly on what was lost rather than what has since been gained. I mean, the man has recovered far more than any doctor predicted was possible and continues to do so. What is that if not a testament to his greatness still being very much a real and living thing? Of course there should be sadness for what was lost but shouldn’t there be more joy for what he’s accomplished since?