Payday should be everyday

Payday and I’ve got no money. I wish this was an unusual circumstance but it’s all too familiar and this sort of constant familiarity has certainly bred contempt…for something….You’d think (okay, I’d think) after an entire lifetime (so far) of this that I might get used to it! I suppose I’m not the only one who dreams of having more than enough money to do whatever I please. I know money can’t buy happiness and all that blah but-how does it go-it sure can’t hurt. People tell me my road to financial freedom could be my writing…and I see what they mean and I’m not at all opposed (as an idea) even though the vast majority of writers never actually make a living at it…I’m thinking maybe winning the lottery might be the safer bet…Okay, I’m kidding…more or less.

Sort of, but not really, along this line, I had a conversation w/J- at work yesterday that made me think about some things. It’s not really all that important what he said so much as that it gave me the idea that there are people out there who choose to do what they love even with the stress that such inescapable instability brings. What I mean is – those of us who chose a less…traditional (though there is an argument for it actually being more traditional than what most people do for a living these days)…path, those who follow their artistic inclinations rather than their practical, are also making the choice to live with the inherent instability with which such professions tend to be fraught. However, in thinking this over, I realize that their path is no more or less unstable than that of their more practical brethren…it only appears so on the surface. Okay, I’m still not quite getting there – listen – we all make choices as to what we’re going to do to support ourselves as adults, right? Most of us choose the more practical paths – things like teaching, engineering, office worker, call center flunky, data entry, customer service – these sorts of things. We spend our lives doing jobs that serve no deeper purpose beyond the lining of our pockets (some more thickly than others…mine seem to be fraying a bit…or something) My argument is that, any time one chooses one these practical paths over a more creative (yes, I realize many of these professions require a great deal of creativity if only in how one manages to deal with all the crap that comes with it and remain sane but, for the sake of argument…) one, one is choosing not to go some other way. (Yes, this is kind of obvious but bear with me here.) In making that choice, many people are denying a different part of themselves – sometimes a significant part of who they are – and that, I would submit, would be the source of inherent instability in the practical-for-it’s-own-sake path because the choice itself hinges on the person’s willingness to continue denying portions of their own nature, of putting on at least the appearance of buying into the bullshit that goes with it. Maybe it’s just my experience but, keeping up with appearances begins to feel more and more like lying the more you do it and the less your heart is in it. Is the paycheck is worth the lie? When does it stop being so? At any time, it could become intolerable to continue playing the game…see? If everything hinges on what ultimately amounts to a whim – how secure could that ever be? So, the creative types who choose the more apparently tenuous paths are no more or less unstable than anyone else. Course, I suppose there are people who truly have no other desire than the practical…hard as that is for me to imagine…or, at least, they have no need for the creative to play a significant role in their every day lives…or maybe it’s just that I personally find it increasingly difficult to pretend to care about things that have no real meaning to me or, really, to anyone other than the man who makes the money for my effort. I’m sure the owner of my company finds great meaning in what all his busy little worker bees do because we go a long way toward making his life (as he chooses to live it) possible. It’s hardly his fault I find no greater comfort in the thought of my effort going to support his…enrichment. Ack! So I’ve come to the point of all this in as far as I’m concerned (and this is, as ever, about me) – I have found that the choices I’ve made in the service of practicality have left me feeling…unstable…and what’s worse, I’m trapped because my own practicality continues to tell me I need to keep to the office life at least for now (the damn bills, you know) and my urge to be lazy…keeps me there, even with all the best intentions to the contrary. Okay, when I started I had no idea where this was going but I see I’ve circled around to my usual place and now I’m feeling sorry for my lazy self again…