Damn cats…cat

I have just discovered a most…worrisome thing. One of my cats…I think Dynah, has apparently been using the mat around the cat box rather than the box itself. I don’t think she’s been doing it long as, the last time I cleaned the boxes, while kneeling on the mat, I didn’t get my knees wet. Tonight, I did and discovered that she’s been doing this on both mats…arrrggghhh!!!! After much creative venting, and a bit of stomping around and leveling of dirty looks at a most disinterest cat…I cleaned everything up as best I can at 2:30 in the morning…have I mentioned AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!?!?!?!?!!!!! There is nothing I’ve encountered in my everyday life that equals the sheer ickyness of cat piss for odor and I’m really, really hoping none of it has gotten into the carpet around the boxes or I’m gonna have to kill the little bitch-cat, who I love dearly, and take my chances with the life-long guilt I will be forced to endure for taking such a drastic course of action. Damn! Damn! Damn! She has never done this before, I don’t know why she’d suddenly start to do so now but it is purely unacceptable. Maybe it’s that she’s getting stiff and doesn’t like jumping into the box or maybe it’s the brat boy having taken to ambushing the girls when they’re in the box or maybe it’s just that she’s getting old and can’t be bothered…I don’t know but I can’t allow it to continue. In an effort to head this off before it becomes a bigger problem; I will replace one of the top-entry boxes with the more traditional front-entry model, disinfect the mats and find the strongest odor neutralizer I can get my hands on to soak the damn carpet in before I set the whole arrangement back up. I could strangle her but she’d look at me with those blue eyes and make me feel like an utter heal for even contemplating it…aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! I’m watching her at I write this and she’s getting into and out of the boxes just fine….damn, damn, damn!!!

Writer's block

The blank page is among the cruelest things to face…I know this is an extreme exaggeration but, of late, I find the sight of an empty page more intimidating that such a simple thing has any right to be. It just sits there, waiting and, in turning to my head for what should fill all that space, there I find the same awful blankness. It’s frustrating beyond belief! Frustrating and demoralizing. How can I make my living writing if I have no words to say?? I’ve spent so much of my life with my head full of words and, now that I’ve created the space in my life to write them down, they’ve deserted me. Bleh…it would seem I’ve fallen prey to the writer’s curse before I’ve even begun to try. My mind has dried up and I’m desperate for inspiration but all I find is distraction and the same empty page over and over again. Reasonably, this will end, the words will come again and line up to be put to the page but, right now…right now they’re on strike or some such ridiculous thing and I’m left with nothing say but to complain about something a million people before and more after me will experience. The awful sense that I’m just like everyone else is gaining clarity and purpose. Maybe the point is to be like everyone else and see where that takes me? Is there a blogger out there that hasn’t, at one point or another, complained of a lack of inspiration? See, I’m already on my way…

Making lists...

I’m back. My brother has fixed my computer so that’s it’s better than useable again – I now have internet access at home and I think I’m really gonna enjoy it. I’ve decided I’ve got to make myself a schedule and force myself to stick to it. I mean – I’ve been keeping something of a schedule already – just not a terribly useful schedule. I go to bed sometime between 3 and 6 am, sleep till around noon or 1 and then spend the early afternoon lazing around not doing much of anything before going out around 3 or 4 to do whatever I’ve decided to do for the day and then I come home and…well, pretty much do whatever – usually read or watch movies…not much writing to speak of in the past 3 weeks. The original plan was to set up my days so that I had to write for at least 2 or 3 hours, exercise some and do some job-searching…that’s it but all I’ve managed to accomplish is a bit of socializing and a lot of reading and watching movies. Now that I’ve got a workable computer back, I suppose it’s time to get some work done, eh? That’s the plan, at any rate. The thought behind that then has led me to making a list and seeing how good I can be at following it. It’s one of the first things I remember learning from my mother – making lists so that you’re clear about what you’ve got to get done…so, since just wingin’ it has led me into a life of excessive leisure, I’m gonna have to start making lists so that it’s clear in my head what has to get marked off by the end of each day. Maybe this way, I won’t keep pissing away my days…at least that’s the thought.

I can't sleep...

Got my final check yesterday. This gets more and more real and I feel like my corner is already getting smaller. This is the really, real world now and I’m a little freaked out tonight. I spent over an hour at the office today picking up my check and getting it corrected (of course it was incorrect – how could it not have been?) and, as I was leaving, I felt the need to be sure I never walk in there again…if not never, no time soon. Didn’t I say I was going to stop writing about this?

Anyway, something occurred to me tonight as I was trying to go to sleep and I had to get out of bed, smoke a cigarette and talk to myself for awhile before I sat down to write this. I don’t think I’ve really ever gone into how I make these sort of self-discoveries and I don’t know that it’s of any interest to anyone else but – well, this is about me so…here it is. I talk to myself – all the time. I swear I can only turn my brain off when I’m reading or watching movies or talking with other people. Which I guess sort of explains my obsessions with these things – especially when I’m having trouble working something out or when I’m afraid or am unwilling to follow the course of action I think is probably the best for me. Distraction at its most…useless, ultimately, I suppose. So, anyway, I have this ongoing, never-ending conversation going in my head and sometimes, I can’t turn it off. It’s the reason I’ll sometimes say things that are in no way connected to the conversation going on outside. It’s also the reason I can’t sleep sometimes – I can’t stop thinking, can’t stop the conversation long enough to rest in any sort of useful way. I haven’t been sleeping much at night this past week and, I suspect, this is going to continue for awhile – I can feel that I’m headed back into an insomnia cycle. I wonder if other people do this? I can’t believe this is in any way a unique feature – you know?

A part of this conversation has been circling around my brother and his wife. What occurred to me through this is that my brother actually knows and understands me better than most anybody and that’s a precious thing…to feel known and loved. I need to say thanks to my brother and to his wife. So, Rob and Cher, thank you. Thank you for being there, for pushing me to live my dreams-not by saying I’m wrong but by not letting me forget them. Thank you for never even hinting that they may not practical or even in reach. Thank you for welcoming me into your home always (thanks, brother, for brow-beating me into creating a new habit – for pulling me into your life and making sure I stay there) I don’t believe I can actually put into words how much your love and persistence comfort me. Even when you’re not in the best space, it comforts me to be near you and you’ve never once denied me that and that is priceless (and not in the soppy way of those damn commercials.) I imagine my life and I can’t see it without you there…at least no version of it I care to live in any case.

I’ve been going over and over this and the conversation keeps circling back to the same set of words tonight. I’m upset and I don’t know why – I feel like I want to cry and I want out of my body, out of my head in the worst way right now. I want to have some peace, I want to feel the happiness I know is just on the other side, the satisfaction of taking the right steps. I’m sure this will be less urgent tomorrow but, right now…well…I’m not planning on disappearing or tail-spinning or anything so no one freak out – this has just been the most persistently recurring bit of conversation keeping me up this past week so I thought I should get it out. Maybe it’ll leave me alone for awhile. I don’t know but the anniversary of my father’s passing is coming up and this time of year has not been very good for me since he died and maybe that’s where all this is coming from. It doesn’t rally matter. It reminds me of something obvious but easily overlooked – we each of us have a finite amount of time left in our lives, it’s built in to the design and the not knowing how finite it is allows us to pretend it isn’t there and it’s the wrong way to live. I just want my father back because it’s wrong that he’s dead and now I’ll never have the chance to really know him or to feel that he knows me. It scares me to think how easy it was to lose the opportunity, how final it was when it came – 24 years was all we got and I have to believe we’d have made better use of the time if we’d known – wouldn’t we?

Freedom is feeling a bit like a corner today...

I’ve been free for about 6 days now and I think it’s still sinking in. I’ve mostly spent my time reading, sleeping and watching movies…it’s been lovely. I had a thought yesterday about where my life could be headed and I feel as though I’ve backed myself into a corner – which is the only place I’ve ever managed to take a new step from so I guess I’m doing the right thing. Still feels like a corner with all its negative connotations though and I’m working on that. I go back and forth between being really, really happy and being really, really freaked out and vaguely resentful at the position I’ve created for myself here. I’m looking out of this corning thinking – which direction makes the most sense? Which way is the closest to where I want to be? Which next step is the ‘right’ step? I’m thinking about the library, actively wanting to work there and wondering whether they’d be willing to hire some one who hasn’t had a library card in over 5 years…I love the library – I do, it’s just that I tend to like to own the books I read. So I don't have the best leg to stand on when it comes to the whole library philosophy...though I do think it's an extremely important resource to have available to people - just 'cause I don't take advantage of that doesn't mean I can't believe that, right? So, I don’t like having to give the books back when I’m done with them - that's not a problem is it? I don’t know where it came from but there it is. For some reason, having books in my home makes me feel better. I still get a feeling of contentment every time I look at my shelves full of books – overflowing at this point. It’s time for some cleaning…or a new bookshelf. I’m leaning towards the bookshelf. I keep thinking of all these things I want to buy and then reminding myself that now is not the time. I don’t have any income so buying things I don’t actually need is more of a luxury I can’t afford than anything useful. If the library thing works out – I’ll have a part time job and need of another to keep the bills covered. If it doesn’t…well, I’ll still need something to keep the bills covered. I’m imagining walking in to these places, asking if they’re hiring and having to stand there and be evaluated and remembering that I really hate that process…not so much because the actions themselves are difficult but because I hate having to ask for things…anything really. Again, I don’t know where that comes from but there it is. Stopped for a smoke break with Nikki today…felt strange to be there, but okay because it was just a smoke break. While I was there it seemed like every smoker in the office came down and, while it was nice to see them, it hasn’t been long enough for me to have actually missed anyone so – well, it was strange. They all agreed that unemployment seems to go well with me – I look so much more relaxed…etc…N asked me if I wanted to come up and I really didn’t – I don’t have any interest in seeing the place again so soon, or maybe ever. It was enough that I was down at the docks smoking again. I think I’ll go in to get my check on Friday and that’ll be it…so, I’m thinking it’s time to stop talking about LMC and what I’ve done and start focusing on where I’m going…this corner is not too tight yet but its already shrinking at will be downright uncomfortable shortly, I have no doubt. Right now, I want to work at the library and maybe get a gig waiting tables somewhere…let’s see if that’s a plan of action that works out before I start thinking about buying buildings and having them remodeled, eh?