Life is looking up...really

Once again I’m an 8-5 slave to the corporate agenda and it occurs to me I went to great lengths not so long ago to get out of the corporate world, to escape the set schedule, Mon-Fri drudgery. I recognize most of the working world is set up this way and that I need to work to be able to pay my bills and continue to be an independent adult. Whatever else is true – there’s no escaping that. There’s no need to have to spend my time doing things I don’t particularly enjoy – I recognize that as well. What I’m afraid of doing, is staying in this job because I have it – settling again for something I know won’t work for me any longer that it’ll take for me to get bored. This job is fine – it’s certainly no worse than LMC and it does have the benefit of not being LMC. Nevertheless...suffice to say that what I’m learning here is much like what I learned at LMC – useful but not interesting.

The other thing that’s going on is that I’m writing again. Writing poetry of all things! I’ve never imagined myself as a poet…mostly because I’ve always cringed at my poetry…not so anymore and that’s scary and exciting all at once. I went to the introduction to the Landmark Forum and, what I got out of it was that, somewhere along the way, I’d lost the joy I used to feel in writing. It had gotten hedged in by too much expectation and too much fear of failure. I’d buried what made me happy about what I do under all this dren that doesn’t actually exist. I’ve been excavating ever since and what keeps coming up are poems…I’m shaking my head even saying it – that’s how weird it feels to me…weird and strangely good. I’ve also been keeping a daily journal for what is probably the first time in my life. I mean, I’ve always journaled but I’ve never been consistent about it on a daily basis…so, poetry and daily journal entries…2 things I’ve never kept as part of my life before this past month. I feel…good…and I keep waiting for another shoe to drop or something because it really can’t be this simple, can it?

Happy Tuesday-2nd attempt

I saw a sign...fallen
Broken
Wait...that was before
I saw destruction
Chemically induced
Revelations unlooked for
Is there meaning in this
Or just circumstance?

Hopeful today ends well
And tomorrow begins.
Boredom swells
Like conversation
And I struggle to recall
Inspiration.

As promised...

I saw a new sign...fallen
Broken
Wait...that was before
I saw destruction
Chemically induced
Revelations unlooked for
(Though not unwelcome)
And I wonder
Is there meaning there
Or just circumstance?

Flawed by nature
As much as created
Dreams are fragile things
To drive the world
Bigger than what they affect
And, that being so...
Worthy of greater consideration
Perhaps

More poetry...

These are pretty raw and more than one of them will likely be edited in the near future. Some of you might recognize a couple of these...I've abandoned the tiger stripes for now...

I saw destruction
Chemically induced
Wait...that was before
Revelations unlooked for
(Though, not unwelcome)
I saw a sign...falling
And wonder if it means anything at all.

Dreams are fragile things
To drive the world
Flawed by nature
As much as created
Bigger than what they effect
And if that's so...
Worthy of greater consideration
Perhaps.

Don't tell them
They might misunderstand.
Slaves to knowledge
Slaves for ignorance
What truth
Stands by that?
Maybe there's the point
What is the worth of faith,
That can't?

Rejection is a living, breathing
Thing
Greater by imagination
Than ever by reality
But imagination is more
Real
Than reality ever dreamt to be
And the potential of it
Dictates everything.

When I think of poets
I imagine smarter, more perceptive folk
Than I
What seems better likely
Poets are...me,
Only more concise.

Work

I'm sitting here at, of all things, my new job. HR Assistant...Tempororay Help would be more accurate. I'm very happy to be making money, not so happy to be back in an office setting. I'd be happier about it if there was any indication that this company actually wants to keep me here. The manager I'm working with is very careful not to indicate that my future here actually exists. She's leaving at the end of June and I suspect the new HR Manager will decide whether or not to keep me. The problem with that is, the longer I'm here, the more convinced I am that they need the person in this position to be bilingual. That means - not me. Benefits and HR stuff are hard enough to understand without throwing a translator into the mix. Anyway, I'm trying not to get too attached while also trying to learn as much as possible...I know I said I wasn't interested in staying in HR...however, I'm not actively opposed to it anymore either. My experience w/LMC was overwhelming negative enough by the end there to skew my perceptions significantly enough that I forgot that, once upon a time, I actually had some interest in the field. There is quite a bit involved with HR that I've never had reason to learn...so...yeah, I'm working again and feeling kinda iffy about the actual job but mostly good about the possibilities and really good about the income.

The other thing I'd forgotten about work is the relentlessness of it - it's hard to get up and work all day every day! This week, I've managed to be busy almost every night as well and I can feel myself wilting. Bleh...I really, really need to do something about my physical endurance...but what's new?

Some thoughts from the wee hours when wiser folk were sleeping...

May what is needed be offered more often than what is desired.

I’m sorry,
I never saw you.
I’m sorry,
You never found me.
Thank you,
For offering anyway

Weighed by loss, I’m pretty light
Loss by weight, edges into tons
Thoughts fly, memories fade
But pain…that lingers
Spiking what memory leaves behind

I can’t remember
Anymore
Where it was
What it looked like
But the scent of it…
Lingers
Reminding me of home

How can I smell what’s never been smelled?
How can I move what’s never been moved?
How can I breathe what’s never been breathed?
Unique, was never the point
Experience is