Insanity = when one repeats the same set of actions over and over w/the expectation of acheiving a different result...

I have not written nor have I felt like writing anything since early last week. It’s something of an odd thing for me and usually indicates some form of depression. I made an agreement with myself about a year ago now to the effect that I cannot be a writer if I don’t write so I need to write at least 500 words a day. They don’t have to be worthy of review or even something I ever go back and try to salvage but they have to be on paper (well, on screen anyway) and they have to have been written that day for that day. I’ve missed quite a few days in the past year so I suppose I’m not all that good at sticking to my agreements…at least not the ones I make with myself…and, if I’m being honest, not always the ones I make with others either. I’m something of a flake when it comes to these sorts of things...I’m still deciding whether this is something I need to work on…that or stop making agreements that I know I won’t adhere to.
All this talk of agreements and where am I headed? Well, I finally got my raise…if that’s what we’re calling it and I’m feeling a bit like I’ve been slapped and shown just how much I’m worth to the powers that be – thank you very much, we don’t really care if you stay or go but, as long as you’ll stay here and take it up the ass we’ll be happy to compensate you for your time by showing you exactly how little we respect you. Thanks for playing, now get back to your desk you worthless peon. That pretty much covers it-that and my boss actually being surprised that I’m insulted by all this. I told him it’s not that I’m surprised it’s just that I really didn’t expect to be slapped and I’m still sort of reeling from that….I also told him it doesn’t change anything and, I’m just not gonna be the better person so he can stop dreaming that I’ll find it within myself to continue to be the good little worker bee despite the shit they’ve decided to pitch me into just cuz they can. I’m still feeling a bit betrayed which I know is stupid given the situation but one feels one’s effort should be recognized and rewarded without one having to scream and yell about what a great job she’s doing. So, in the interest of adhering to my agreements…well, let’s just say all bets are off and I could give a shit what they want or expect from me from here on out. That and I think I may just do some spring cleaning – I mean, how much crap can one be expected to keep at one’s desk, eh? I’m back to where I started and I suppose this horse has been well beaten but there’s a part of me that wishes I could find a reason not to continue looking for another job because – wouldn’t that be easier? No, it wouldn’t and I think I’m a bit bitter about that too. My options involving self respect have dwindled to one and I’m never happy about having my hand forced.
The healthier way to look at this is to realize that it’s an opportunity I would not have otherwise taken advantage of…especially if it ends with me making more money for doing the same work. This is something I could seriously get my head around with very little effort. To that end, I had a meeting with a staffing agency on Friday and, they’re sending me to an interview for a position doing almost exactly what I do for at least 5K more a year to do it. If this doesn’t work out, they’ll find me something else and I’d really, really like my last day to be the 7th of October…I can go on my cruise (have I mentioned the cruise yet?) and come home to a brand new job – no backlog of work and no more of this shit to deal with…at least not in the same old setting. It’s a dream I’ve begun to cherish and there’s a part of me that thinks I’ll make it happen w/or w/o another position in place for me when I get back. The idea of quitting my job without another to go to is a bit extreme for me, but it’s looking more and more tempting the longer I consider it.