I'm on my way...

It’s 2:45 on my last day and I think I’m done with everything…it’s a weird-good feeling – I can hardly wait to be out of here! I think, now that this is really ending, I’m kind of sad to be saying goodbye to these people and this…familiarity…it feels strange – that’s all. I’m happy, I’m really happy but the ending of things, even some bad things, is sad.

Goodbye to 4 years of my life, to the comfort of a regular paycheck and a familiar place to go every day, to having seniority and weary contempt for the way things are here…hmmm…to happy hours and smoke breaks, holiday parties and inside jokes...to office politics and ‘being in the know’…to lunch in the break room, smelly refrigerators, bad coffee and to always being out of hot chocolate.

Hmmm…I’m smiling as I type this and I’m mostly serious. I’m done here and I think this place is done with me too but the parting of ways isn’t entirely without a sense of loss. I’m happy, I’m so happy but I’m a little sad too and I guess that’s how it should be, eh?

Clean slates and goals...

“It is with a very heavy heart that I must announce that Rebecca Seifert has let me know that she has decided to end her time here at L - - - - and take her career in a different direction. Rebecca has been a valued member of our team for almost four years and she will sorely missed. I would like to wish her all the best in her future endeavors and thank her for all she has done for L - - - - and our clients over the past 3.9 years.”

The above is the announcement my manager sent out to announce my imminent departure from work…he sent it out 4 days after I gave my notice and I still can’t adequately describe how very happy it makes me…so I won’t try – 3 days left!!

Holidays have been pleasant so far – I’m very much looking forward to starting the new year with a clean slate. I have decided not to make any resolutions this year as I generally don’t stick to them in any case – I’d hate to start the year off with the certainty of failure…at least that’s the thought…that said, I do have some goals for the year regardless.

1. Find a new source of income – preferably both reliable and substantial enough to pay my bills and allow for some fun…also, something with a flexible schedule so I’m not on the 8-5, Mon-Fri grind anymore…

2. Write something and get it published

That’s it – the sum total of the goals I’m setting for 2006…plenty, I think – now that I’m looking at them!

No going back now

It’s done – I’ve given my notice. It was, as I suspected it might be, fairly anticlimactic with the exception of my general impression that I managed to ruin my boss’s day. I can’t say that bothers me at all…in fact it cheers me to think of it. I do regret the look of near panic on one co-worker’s face when she realized that I really had put in my notice and won’t be here for open enrollment…won’t be here even for preliminaries on open enrollment…can you feel me grinning??...because I most certainly am. It makes me happy just to think of what I won’t be going through this year!! Whoo-hoo! As it happens, another member of the team is also leaving though she’s only transferring to another department – it amounts to the same thing and I can’t help but feel some vindictive pleasure in that as well.

Otherwise, I will steadfastly ignore the little nay-sayer screaming in the back of my head about rent and hungry kitties and repossessions…it’s more than worth the touch of anxiety for the relief I feel at this moment…I don’t have to do this anymore!! I should have a party or something! Not that I have anywhere to put these partygoers but the thought is what counts, right? Happy Holidays to me and to all of you!

This is new...

I think I recognize this feeling…I think it might be hope. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel hopeful…and there’s no tinge of caution to lessen it…delightful!

I feel a change in the weather...or something...

There is something in the air for me this year – I don’t know what it is but I feel like something has shifted and, whatever it is, it has had the effect of finally pushing me into making the changes I’ve needed to make for a long time. I feel like whatever I decide to do, I’ll actually do this time rather than just thinking I should – you know?

I know the blog doesn’t actually bear evidence of this in as far as the writing goes but, over the last several months, I’ve been considerably more consistent in sitting down and writing on a regular basis than I have since college. I was looking back through my journal and the stack of pages I’ve produced over the past year and sort of marveling at the volume of words there. This is not to say I’ve managed to focus on any one thing long enough to produce much of any coherence, it’s to say I’ve produced all kinds of bits and pieces here and there and everywhere – they’re not necessarily related items but many of them are and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m kind of proud of myself over it all…it’s not a terribly familiar feeling so I figure it deserves mention.

Coupled with this is the giving up meat and sticking to that at long last – that and telling other people about it and actually sticking to it in the face of their - discomfort (which isn’t quite the right word but it’s all I can think of…). This only makes sense when you stop to consider that I’ve spent a great deal of energy in my life, trying to not make personal decisions that make waves for people around me…hmmm. The low-profile lifestyle, if you will. If someone would have asked me if I really believed I do this, I’d have shrugged and given them my ‘who knows, but neither of us should count on it’ look and left it hang…instead, I’ve made a real change in my habits and I’m not fighting it…which is really nice. It's a new thing to push myself in new directions and not have to fight myself for every inch. I keep sort of waiting for the door to slam or something...

Finally – I’m quitting my job – this is so huge for me…and not much like me, come to think of it. I’m usually so careful, so cautious of these kinds of things…well, actually – just lazy and scared for the most part but – there it is…I feel something shifting and, even though it scares me…I think I’m actually more excited and hopeful than anything…again, not a usual reaction for me so I’ll probably be wallowing in it for a while – just a heads up. It's a strange thing to feel like the same person only in real life instead of just in my head...not sure that actually makes any sense but that's what it is. My life, my self finally seem to be making moves toward looking like I imagine they might.

Found my passport!

Found my passport and this dark cloud of anxiety and feeling of being trapped have finally been expelled! It has been missing in action since I got back from the cruise. I had expected to find it in my bags as I unpacked and didn’t…so I promptly refused to think much about it except for the occasional spark in which I fully planned to report the disappearance and order a new one…never lasted long enough to actually do anything about it…I’m saying now it’s because I was sure, somehow, that it would turn up. You see, I had sent out a general plea to the universe to please remind me what I might have done w/the blasted thing and, last night, I finally got my answer – I stuck it in the back of the journal Jen gave me as a bridesmaid gift. That’s the story and, as it worked out the way I wanted it to, I’m taking full credit for it (with honorable mention for the universe, of course). So, I’m free again to run off to Spain on moment’s notice – yea me.

Workload solution?

This whole quitting my job thing has led to a weird sort of resurgence in my motivation levels. I’ve gotten more accomplished (work-wise) in the past 4 days than I think I’ve done in the previous 4 months…it’s odd – like doing my job is easier because I know I won’t be doing it anymore in a couple weeks…it’s such a relief to know I won’t be dealing with any of this crap indefinitely that I don’t mind so much dealing with it now…very nice…

Mini-Epiphanies

I have been avoiding blogging of late and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s that I don’t feel like I have anything to say – which hardly seems possible with the amount of crap running around in my brain these days but, well – there it is. I’ve come to a major decision and I’m still sort of reeling from it and I guess that’s the only real news at this point. I’m quitting my job…and I don’t have anything else lined up to replace it.

It occurred to me this past weekend that I’ve been living my life as though I’m punishing myself for something I can’t identify and that this mentality has touched on nearly every aspect of my life up to and including this damn job that I hate and have needed to ditch for well over a year now. I was standing in the cold on the landing outside my apartment smoking, watching the traffic on Lincoln, thinking not much of anything and two things came drifting through my head: “Where are you?” then “Why am I doing this?” Now, keeping in mind I tend to get a bit maudlin when I smoke late at night by myself in the cold, the results of such thoughts tend to be a bit melodramatic and ultimately short-lived both emotionally and practically. This time, it’s different. I’m quitting my job and I’m not planning on trying to find another one even really remotely like it.

So who is it I’m waiting for? And why aren’t they here? Well, what I finally verbalized for myself around this issue is that I always imagine myself in a relationship – the relationship at some point in the future – a future in which I have lost my excess weight, my excess social caution, my excess insecurities about my intelligence and general worth and where I’ve finally managed to both write and sell my books (quite successfully) and am no longer a slave to the wage grind-basically the point at which I imagine I will have become good enough-for whatever. I’ve been waiting for the punishment to end – for the moment at which I’ll have paid enough for whatever crime it is I’ve been trying to atone for my whole life. No, this revelation didn’t include any indication of what this crime might have been…that’s still in review. What it did include is a sense of my own stupidity…that and some anger for all this wasted time and for the sneaking suspicion that I’ve really, despite everything I’ve ever said to the contrary, been feeling sorry for myself for a long, long time and that’s irritating the shit out of me. So, I’m done with the waiting until I achieve this mythical transformation-I’m taking my first step here – I’m quitting my job without much of a safety net…now it’s your turn. Where- the fuck- are you?

The ‘why-am-I-doing-this’ portion of the equation actually had more to do with the smoking than anything. When you think about it though – I stopped eating meat and started smoking again (for no apparent reason). One choice for my health, the next to destroy it so I’m thinking this is more on the whole ‘punishment-for-my-as-yet-unidentified-crime’ front. That or the fear thing…the fear being – if I were to somehow achieve that state in which I’d finally feel like I deserve the good things most people get to enjoy, what happens then? What if it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, eh? That sort of silliness…still another thought around this: I once heard someone say they had to have at least one vice to feel as though they were really alive and I remember thinking at the time how incredibly stupid that was and dismissing their argument without giving it even a moment’s consideration. Now, I’m not so sure except that it still sounds stupid…by this theory, I’m driven to pollute my lungs so that I’m reminded that I’m alive?? No, that’s just…stupid. No more smoking, then-that and I’m quitting my job.

Quitting my job is tied to the rest of this if only because, along with the questions and the thoughts generated by them, I’ve passed my breaking point around the issue and I am unwilling to try to continue to ignore it in service to my fear and general sense of practicality. I have enough resources to be okay for long enough to work something out financially…at least, I believe I probably do. This is not to say there isn’t a small voice screaming in terror in the back of my mind, reminding me of the bills and the need to eat and the kitties who depend on me for everything their furry selves need. Even still, I can’t heed that fearful voice any more-not in this, this time there’s a surer voice telling me my sanity and emotional well-being (I’m cringing at the melodrama here) are best served by changing course, by heading off into the less predictable. If I could, I’d be screaming. Here is my cliff – I’m stepping off – and I’m terrified of where I might fall but I’m really, really hoping I might actually have some wings (please forgive the corniness – I couldn’t help myself, seemed to fit with all the melodrama).